The lady above is Belgian-born chanteuse
Reginé Zylberberg, better known to the world at large as simply Régine, or The Queen of Night. She's here to help me celebrate the fact that
The Seven-Per-Cent Solution, Herbert Ross's wonderful film version of Nicholas Meyer's superior Holmes pastiche, is once again available to American fans on DVD-R through The Universal Vault Collection, a series of long-unavailable titles from Universal's film library that can be bought exclusively at
Amazon.com. I've just received my copy, and while it's a strictly bare-bones release, without extras, it also marks the first time the film has been available here on DVD in its original anamorphic widescreen format. (The Region 2 release is still very much in print from Fremantle Video, available at
Amazon.co.uk and most well-stocked DVD dealers in the UK.)
So. While you're all rushing to get your own copy of the film (you
are, aren't you?), let's talk music. Specifically, the music of a gentleman named Stephen Sondheim. If that name is unfamiliar to you, I can only shake my head regretfully and point you toward this new-fangled device known as "the Internet," on which you can find any number of amazing and informative things. Suffice to say that Frank Rich of
The New York Times has accurately referred to Mr. Sondheim as "the greatest, and perhaps best-known artist working in musical theatre," and that the man boasts a stack of Oscar, Tony, Grammy and various other awards and accolades that is quite possibly taller and heavier than he is. Now, if you're going to do a movie about the world's greatest detective that has a song in it, it makes nothing but sense to hire the world's greatest composer of musical theatre to write it. Am I right, or am I right? (I'll make it easy for you: I'm right.)
The ditty in question, known variously as "The Madam's Song" and "I Never Do Anything Twice," is one of the many highlights of
The Seven-Per-Cent Solution, which sees Régine portraying the madam of a most generously-appointed house of ill repute in Vienna. How Sherlock Holmes (Nicol Williamson), Dr. Watson (Robert Duvall) and Sigmund Freud (Alan Arkin) come to be at such a singular location is not for me to reveal here. Fortunately, you now each have your very own copy of the film winging it's way to you—right?—and you'll shortly discover that for yourself.
The song itself has since become one of Mr. Sondheim's best-known pieces, appearing in the revue Side By Side By Sondheim, as well as the album Stephen Sondheim: The Story So Far, and has been performed by such as Georgia Brown, Millicent Martin, Jill Perryman, Gemma Craven, Julie Wilson, Judy Kaye, Liliane Montevecchi, Petula Clark, Morag McClaren, Barbara Kennedy and Patti LuPone. In the film as released, Régine does not perform the song in full; so I present the complete lyrics below for your enjoyment.
Before I do, I suppose it would be responsible blogging to note that the song is clever, sly, funny, and, as befits a tune sung by the proprietess of a whorehouse, awful dirty. So if you have any young impressionable children reading over your shoulder whom you have convinced yourself do not know more about sex at this age than you've ever forgotten, you could take this opportunity to hustle them out of the room.
Or not.
The Madam's Song
written by Stephen Sondheim
When I was young and simple, I don't recall the date,
I met a handsome Captain of the Guards.
He visited my chamber one evening very late,
in tandem with a husky St. Bernard.
At first I was astonished and tears came to my eyes,
but later when I asked him to resume,
He said to my surprise, "My dear, that isn't wise.
"Where love is concerned, one must freshen the bloom."
Once, yes, once for a lark.
Twice, though, loses the spark.
One must never deny it
but after you try it you vary the diet.
Said my handsome young guard,
"Yes, I know that it's hard.
"But no matter the vice
"I never do anything twice."
I think about the Baron who came at my command,
and proffered me a riding crop and chains.
The evening that we spent was meticulously planned.
He took the most extraordinary pains.
He trembled with excitement, his cheeks were quite aglow,
and afterwards he cried to me, "Encore!"
He pleaded with me so to have another go.
I murmured caressingly, "Whatever for?"
Once, yes, once is a lark.
Twice, though, loses the spark.
Once, yes, once is delicious,
but twice could be vicious or just repetitious.
Someone's bound to be scarred.
Yes, I know that it's hard.
But no matter the price
I never do anything twice.
And then there was the Abbot who worshipped at my feet,
and dressed me in a wimple and in veils.
He made a proposition which I found rather sweet,
and handed me a hammer and some nails.
In time we lay contented, but he began again,
by fingering the beads around the waist.
I whispered to him then, "We'll have to say 'amen,'"
for I had developed more catholic tastes!
Once, yes, once for a lark.
Twice, though, loses the spark.
As I said to the Abbot,
"I get in the habit, but not in the habit.
"You've my highest regard.
"Yes, I know that it's hard.
"But no matter the vice
"I never do anything twice."
Once, yes, once can be nice.
Love requires some spice.
If you've something in view,
something to do,
totally new,
I'll be there in a trice.
But I never do anything twice!
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